“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet