Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
new shirt idea
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Taliband
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft