{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting