Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”