[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I came this close!!!!
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“What?”
– Jude
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!