apparently this year was written by stephen king
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!