My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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me after drinking all the wine:
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me