[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
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Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
umm…
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA