On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
quarantine day 3
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Sex so good you see dead people.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!