Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?