Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Cake!!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
oppen heimer style lol
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Green is just blue that someone peed in
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”