waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.