I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.