I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft