Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.