All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
can I use a minion as a tampon
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Legend 🤣🤣
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.