Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?