I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.