Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.