[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.