Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
White Castle for the Win
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me too 😆
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.