This kid is a star!
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
We decided to have money instead of children.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.