[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible