Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
When you’re Kinky but poor
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train