Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
new career option?