My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.