I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
you stereotypes are all alike
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack