This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.