My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Seems a bit forward
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.