Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
The devil.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.