I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.