Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.