The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Things will get butter, keep churning
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.