My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Husband of the year 😂
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Free him
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN