Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!