I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
You Might Also Like
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)