[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.