me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
😅😅😅
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate