*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
termite twitter scares me
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else