I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.