My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless