[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…