imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
💻🤡
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”