Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.