i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.