It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
im all 3
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”