Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton