FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
A French press is when you hug naked
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i spent way too long on this
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I want to meet the individual who made this
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me