If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Go hard or stay average