KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
What flavor cupcake are these
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?